The Night of the First Mission - pets version
by Andamogirl
Summary: Totally AU. Dog! Jim West's (Doberman Pinscher) and Cat! Artemus Gordon's (Egyptian Mau – cat in Egyptian) first mission together. I put some of our boys characteristics in their animal counterparts. There are other animal characters too: a sparrow, a hedgehog and two dogs.


**THE NIGHT OF THE FIRST MISSION – PETS VERSION**

By Andamogirl

Author's note: Summer challenge issued by me to Tripidydoodah: what if Jim was a dog and Artie a cat. Write a vignette four pages top. Many thanks to my beta reader Tripidydoodah.

WWW

 _The Wanderer farm, Washington D.C. Back garden, at sunset_

Perched on top of the flat roof of the shed, lying to the side with legs bent, enjoying a nap, Artemus Gordon startled awake to the sound of barking.

Opening his eyes, his ears perked up as he instantly spotted an intruder on his territory: a Canis lupus familiaris, a dog!

The feline sat up straight taking an alert position, its legs extended, its tail twitching in large circles indicating displeasure as its eyes locked on the canine. He watched the black dog approaching, its ears perked, audibly sniffing the air.

It was a medium-large size dog with a square, athletic build and short coat. It had a strong, muscular body and a noble appearance. It had a long muzzle, a short, curled tail and erect ears. It wore a blue necklace with small round silver ornaments.

The dog looked up and spotted the cat standing on top of the shed, at the end of the back garden. He noticed that the feline was obviously a home-cat and not a feral one, as he was pristine. He didn't have any collar, but a black string tie around his neck like humans, but shorter.

Lowering his head, ears erect, focused, Artemus Gordon looked at the dog moving in his direction and then saw him stop close to the door, nose twitching.

He was startled when the dog barked twice and voiced a "Hi there! Are you the house cat?"

Narrowing his light green eyes, the bronze-colored cat yowled, baring claws. "Yes, I am. What are you doing here, dog? Go away. It's my back garden, not yours."

Sitting on his haunches a few paces from the cat, the dog vocalized, "Well, buddy, it's my back garden too now. My owner, Mina and your owner Jack are living together now as they are a couple, so we have to live together too, whether you want to or not."

The Egyptian Mau meowed low in irritation, his tail flicking. "I'm not your buddy." It paused, lay down and rested its head on its paws. "So you're Mina's dog. I heard her talk about you to Jack. I'm glad that my owner is no longer alone and living with Mina. My human was lonely before he met your owner and now is happy! They're both happy! If Jack's happy, I am happy too. But why is this the first time I've seen you? You don't live with your owner?"

The Doberman Pinscher responded, "I was at my owner's sister's house in New York until she moved her things here. Once settled, she asked Susan, my owner's sister to bring me here. I arrived this morning. I was sick in the train all along the journey. I don't like trains! I'm glad to be home, to be in my new home. And I'm going to have new friends!"

Giving the dog a threatening gaze, Artemus said, "Alright, dog, as I don't have other choice but to live together, you can stay, but you're going to stay on the other side of the back garden. That part, here with the trees and shade is my territory, not yours. Understood?"

Looking up at the tall, old oak trees the dog nodded and let out, "Okay, cat. Fair enough. You can have the trees because cats like climbing in trees and eating birds, and I don't. But let me tell you that I like to pee on trees, I hope you don't mind. And because we both love to cool off after hours of sun-bathing, we will share the shade, okay? By the way my name is James but my friends call me Jim, and my owner's name is Mina West, but you know that already, so I'm James West, and you are? Mina just referred to you as 'the cat', she never mentioned your name, but I do know your owner's name, it's Gordon."

Narrowing his slit eyes in suspicion, the cat asked, "Are you going to chase me to have fun? Because if that's the case, I'm warning you, James West, you'll never catch me! Never." He sat too on his hind legs on the cooling roofing boards and added, "See my slender, muscular body? I'm built for speed. I'm the fastest cat in the whole city. Even the fastest greyhounds can't catch me."

Immediately James West 'smiled' stretching out, his mouth opening and therefore showing his rear teeth. "Really? I bet there are no mice or birds around here… So, what's your name?"

Relaxing, Artemus sat, his tail hanging down loosely. "My name is Artemus; my owner is Jack Gordon, so I'm Artemus Gordon."

Moving closer to the door James West asked, "Nice to meet you, buddy. Are you going to come down? I'd like to talk to you face to face, like friends do."

Jumping down to the ground with agility Artemus landed on his feet with grace and elegance "We're not friends, and I'm not your buddy," he meowed.

Poking his cold nose into Artemus's soft, short fur, James West began to sniff the cat all over in a greeting gesture. Immediately the cat bared its teeth in a short, sharp hiss.

Unfazed, James West said, "I just want to say hello, nice to meet you." Then his ears leaned forward in interest while he noticed that the cat had shorter limbs in the front than in the back. "Your front legs are shorter, why?"

Leaping onto a wooden table, Artemus responded, "It helps me to run faster, that's why. I'm sorry to have reacted that way, it's a reflex." Then he stretched long and yawned. Suddenly a sparrow landed beside him. To the dog's utter stupefaction, he gently head-bumped the bird and he said, "Hi Richard!"

Flapping his small wings in greeting, the bird chirped, "Hi Artemus. I was flying over the street behind the farm when I saw those stray dogs, namely Miguelito Loveless the bi-colored, balding and graying Chihuahua and his bodyguard Voltaire the black Great Dane enter Mrs. Grant's backyard without permission. Go there and chase them out, before they hurt Ulysses S. Grant. They tried to bite him twice already this week and failed because you protected him. He's terrified and doesn't want to come out from the small white house Mr. Grant built for him and placed under the bush for his protection." Then, finally looking down at the dog he said, "Hi dog! I've never seen you before. You're new here."

James nodded. "Yes, I am. I lived in New York before. My owner moved to Washington and she's now living in this house with Artemus's owner. They're a couple. My name's James West, but my friends call me Jim."

The sparrow chirped, "My name is Richard Richmond. Artemus told me that his owner and a female human were seeing each other, and now they're together! That's great news! Good! So you're Artemus's new friend? I hope you don't yip at the birds and try to eat them?"

The dog shook his head. "No, I don't."

Licking his left paw lazily, his tail curled around himself, Artemus let out, "He's not my friend," he meowed and then he resumed his grooming.

Cocking his head to the side, stunned, James asked, "Did I hear you give an order to a cat? You? A tiny bird? How's this possible?" Confusion flickered over the dog's face. "Cats don't take orders from birds, they eat them, I think. But not?"

Glancing up at the Egyptian Mau, the sparrow replied, "Normal cats do that, sadly, yes, but there are always exceptions and Artemus is no ordinary cat. He takes orders from me because I'm the head of the Surveillance & Protection Brigade and he's a field agent, the best!"

Puzzled James tilted his head to the side. "Surveillance & Protection Brigade? What's that?"

Richard explained, "The Surveillance and Protection Brigade, or SPB was created by Ulysses S. Grant to keep peace in Washington and to protect him, as he is leader of all the animals in the city. Artemus Gordon is one of my 'field agents', the best of them actually. And he doesn't eat birds." He flew for a split second and landed on top of the feline's head, where the long, dark, dorsal stripe running along its spine to his tail, started. He explained, "I know, it's bizarre. Artemus since he was a kitten played with chicks, quails, ducklings, birds… it's a farm here." The bird lifted off to land beside the cat again. "There are many animals and their little ones. He defends birds instead of eating us. He loves to defend other animals too, like mice, rats, squirrels, rabbits, hedgehogs… even puppies and dogs!... Speaking of dogs, you're a guard dog, right?"

Sitting on his hind legs again, the Doberman Pinscher nodded. "Yes, I am. I'd like to be a 'field agent' too, sparrow."

But Artemus hissed his disapproval. "I don't want a partner. Period. I work solo," he meowed grumpily and then began grooming his chest, covered with short hairs like the rest of his body.

But the sparrow let out, "You, a field agent? It's a very good idea, James. You will be more efficient together and you can combine your talents. Guard dogs are intelligent, intimidating, fearless and ferocious and aggressive on command. If you both protect the neighborhood, and our leader, you will be doubly effective. But I can't decide myself to add you to the Secret Section. Only our leader can do that. But for now, he's in danger…"

Leaping to the ground again, ready to engage the enemy and defeat it, Artemus meowed, "I'm going to take care of those two stray dogs. They won't hurt Ulysses S. Grant."

Richard flew in circles above the dog's head and landed on top of it. "Yes, he's our leader, and as he has no other protection than his spines he points outward when he's attacked, he needs to be protected by field agents. Now follow Artemus and help him. You're his temporary partner. Then, I will talk about your proposal to Ulysses S. Grant." Then he flew away.

Meeting the spotted cat in the middle of the large alley, one minute later, James said, "So… you don't eat birds, uh? I bet you don't eat mice too? You're a special cat, buddy. Oh! I forgot to tell you, your chief, the sparrow, he partnered me with you on this mission. We're partners."

Irritated, Artemus twitched the tip of his tail and glared at the dog. "I know, I heard Richard. I have excellent hearing. And we are _temporary_ partners," he said." Then he leaped on a wooden fence. He located the two intruders heading toward the apple tree, below which was Ulysses S. Grant's den, which was a small wooden house painted in white. He looked down at the dog and added, "They're here, heading to our leader's home to attack him. Okay, James, it's your first mission, so don't mess with it. There's a hole in the fence on the north side, large enough for you to go through. Go there and intercept them in the back garden while I'm protecting Ulysses S. Grant."

Excited James wagged his tail back and forth fast, "Okay, partner! See you later." And he ran toward the other side of the high fence.

Landing gracefully on the grass, tail flicking nervously, Artemus ran at top speed toward the two dogs, the smallest walking under the tallest. He faced them, his ears pulled back slightly, his back arched, tail high, hissing, doing his best to scare off the dogs, "Get out of here, before I start to shred you to pieces!"

Miguelito Loveless moved away from Voltaire and barked twice. Immediately, the Great Dane showed his teeth threateningly.

In response the Egyptian Mau puffed-up to make itself appear larger to ward off the threat and, its ears flattened, it snarled and it growled, baring its sharp pointy teeth. "Go away, last warning… before I bite you and scratch you and before my partner shows his talents as guard dog to you."

The Chihuahua barked a laugh. "You don't have a partner, Artemus." He smiled. "Voltaire is going to eat you whole!" It won't be the first time that he has devoured a cat!"

Tensed, twitching his tail, the cat snarled. "Ooh, I'm so scared! Voltaire tried to kill me before but never managed to."

The giant canine growled menacingly, his massive body sloped forward, feet braced on the ground, holding his stiff tail horizontally straight out. "I will this time," he said. Then he surged forward, snapping his jaws at the fearless cat.

Artemus stood his ground, growling, loud and long, "Mrrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwww!" Then, unafraid, he latched onto his opponent and batted at the big, black dog with his paws, drawing blood with his sharp claws and leaving scratches all over the dog's face.

Voltaire backed up, cowering, his tail between his legs, whimpering.

Hissing, Artemus moved back, back arched, tail positioned downward. "I told you," he said. "Don't ever attack me!"

Miguelito Loveless bared his teeth… and attacked by surprise. He caught Artemus's left front paw in his mouth and bit it, hard. The feline screamed in pain.

Seeing this, Voltaire snapped his jaws at the cat again and moved like a predator on its prey toward the cat that his boss was keeping prisoner.

Running toward the two intruders, tail flying, James barked, "Let him go!" and then running like a ram, he hit the dogs full force, head first.

Then he stopped right beside the two stray dogs a bit groggy and barked a few times before baring his teeth and showing his gums.

He glanced at Artemus crouched on the ground, licking his bleeding paw, meowing plaintively, then he asked him, "You okay Artemus?"

The cat nodded. "Yes, it's nothing, I've had worse. Thank you."

Looking at Voltaire with a direct eye-to-eye stare warning that an attack was imminent, James growled. "Go away! And don't come back! Ever!"

Startled, the grayish Chihuahua let out strangled squeaks and scrambling back against him, found refuge between the Great Dane's back paws, trembling. "Voltaire, attack them! Kill them!"

Intimidating, the Doberman Pinscher took a menacing step forward. He growled louder and took a position of attack. "I repeat for the last time, go away! And don't come back! Ever!"

Standing on all fours, its tail curled downward, the cat spat. "Meet my new partner and friend, Jim West. He's a guard dog! He's the one who will chew you before eating you whole, Chihuahua!"

But the Great Dane turned away to avoid direct eye contact with the threatening Doberman pinscher, signaling submission.

Miguelito Loveless bared his tiny teeth in response. "We'll meet again, be sure of that." Then, he left the yard, followed by the big black dog, scolding him for his cowardice.

Moving out from his white House Ulysses S. Grant joined his best field agent and his new dog-partner and friend. and said, "Good job!"

Pleased, the cat let out a deep, rumbling purr. "Thank you." then he gave his injured paw at new series of licks to finish cleaning it.

Pleased, the dog wagged his tail enthusiastically, tongue lolling out, "Thanks! That was great! I can do that all the time!"

Richard landed beside the occupant of the white house, on top of a rock. "James West wants to be a field agent, Ulysses S. Grant, and Artemus's partner."

Artemus added, "He saved my life today. Without his courageous and fearless intervention, Voltaire would have injured me very seriously, even killed me." He looked at the dog. "Thank you Jim. I'm very grateful to you. And my friends call me Artie."

Jim smiled. "It was a pleasure, Artie."

Nodding, the hedgehog said, "First, I want to thank you both, you probably saved my life. Second, James West, you're officially a new field agent of the Surveillance & Protection Brigade and Artemus Gordon's partner. You will protect the animals of this city and me."

Panting, James barked twice happily. "Thank you, I will! Oh, that's great!" then he hopped back and forth with pleasure.

Sniffing the air, Artemus let out a chirrup, "I can smell the gourmet food my owner prepares for me… hmmm… it's vegetable stew!" He let out a low meow as his injured paw hurt and he added, "But first, he will take care of my bleeding paw."

Surprised the dog asked, "Yes, that comes first. Vegetable stew? You eat vegetables? You? A cat? I thought cats ate fish and chicken only."

Looking up at the dog, Artemus replied, "How could I eat chicken while I protect chickens and chicks? But I never protected fish even if I love watching them… But I won't eat one! I refuse to eat chicken and fish, and any other animals. My job is to protect them, not eat them! And all the members of the SPB eat vegetables only! And we try to convince others to do so. My owner knows that and he prepares vegetables for me… and my owner loves animals too! Because he has a farm, that's why he eats vegetables only, like me." He gave the dog a long look and added, "You will eat vegetables from now on if you want to stay my friend, and partner… and do your job. If not, Ulysses S. Grant will fire you. He only eats berries and grass roots, mushrooms and melons. He didn't touch a single snail!"

Smiling, James said, "Don't worry buddy, my owner Mina loves animals too and she eats vegetables only, like your owner. That's stew is probably for you and I."

Reassured the cat purred. "Good! Let's go back to the farm, friend, I'm beginning to feel a bit hungry and I'm sure there's some good food for you too. My owner is a Chef." Then, tail held vertically in happiness, he padded through the long grass, toward the opening in the fence. "

Hungry too, agitating his tail in pleasure, James followed Artemus, trotting alongside him, matching his slow pace, as the cat was limping. He abruptly stopped dead in his tracks in front of the fence and the cat imitated it. "Hey! I thought you were not my friend."

Looking up at James, Artemus said, "They are only fools who do not ever change their minds and I am very intelligent." The feline touched his nose to the dog's in a friendly, cat-way greeting. "I want to tell you that I'm happy to have you at my side, Jim. You and I will make a great duet!"

The dog licked the cat's head and nuzzled it in a bonding gesture. "And be the best agents of the SPB. I too, am happy to be your friend, and partner and to have you at my side – buddy-Artie."

The feline headbutted the dog in an automatic reply, fighting the urge to start a complete grooming, starting with his head, and nodded. "Let's go back home Jim. I need to clean myself. I'm all sticky. And no more dog kisses! Ever!"

Trotting beside the cat, Jim asked, "What about cuddles? I love cuddles. Everyone loves cuddles, especially cats I heard."

Cat-like inscrutable Artie replied, "We'll see."

Ulysses S. Grant looked at Richard Richmond. "Those two will get along very well and become best friends forever in no time. And I'm going to be safe with those two protecting me," he said before heading toward the garden to eat some grass roots and berries.

It was dusk now and the moon was rising.

Richard took off and headed toward his nest hidden in a close-by bush. "Time to go back to the nest to sleep," he chirped.

The end. Or rather, the beginning.


End file.
